Going Black Friday shopping for me was similar to eating a nice, big bowl of regret at midnight. I ended up heading over to the Woodfield Mall around 11:30. The choice to go to the 11th largest mall in the country on the busiest shopping day/night of the year can only be described as genius.
When I pulled into the parking lot it looked as though there was a Zombie Apocalypse and everyone in the county was seeking shelter at the Woodfield Mall. And after seeing all these people waiting in the freezing cold to go get 3% off a $5 t-shirt, a Zombie Apocalypse looked very appealing to me.
The only upside in having stores be crowded way over capacity is that the employees aren’t able to Michael Myers stalk you around the store.
Employee- “Hello, welcome to Best Buy.”
Employee- “Can I help you find anything.”
Employee- “We have some great deals on laundry machines.”
Employee- “Are you sure I can’t help you with anything.”
Me- “Actually yes, it’d be very helpful if you crawled into that laundry machine and closed the door. Then I will turn it on to make sure it works.”
It’s like it’s a trade. 5% off socks for 0 hours of sleep. That’s like trading broccoli for a pack of Oreos at lunch. Or like trading an Energy card for a sparkly Charzard. (Random Pokemon reference that I immediately regretted the second after typing it.) What I’m trying to say is the deals suck and yet millions of people flock to all participating malls across America.
I was in one store where they had 50% off beanies/winter hats. That was the only deal. Everything else was full price. And I’m sure they figured they could get away with 50% off beanies because they are regularly $40. I wouldn’t pay $40 for a beanie if it was stitched with gold and sewn by Walt Disney immediately after they unfroze his dead body and he only came back to life for 10 minutes and in those 10 minutes he knitted together one beanie and then it was sold.
I read online that 247 million people went Black Friday shopping. My face being one of the 247 million stupid faces turning out for the jaw dropping deals. Total spending was around $59 billion. I don’t mean to be this guy but if everyone just took one penny out of each dollar they spent and just gave it to me that would be a very kind gesture and I would be a very wealthy, happy man.
I didn’t buy anything. I should have just bought a candy bar so at least I didn’t make the trip for nothing. But no. I’m too responsible with my money and I don’t like spending it.
Although I didn’t succumb to any purchases on Black Friday shopping but Black Friday’s close ally Cyber Monday came in to put a major dent in my bank account. So I’m just sitting on my computer thinking that I’m doing well then bam! I see 50 Cent tweet, “50% off SMS Audio ear buds and headphones for the next hour.”
These headphones are $250. So I did the math real quick and it seemed like way to good of a deal to pass up. So I entered my credit card right on in there and clicked a button. I bought them. I spent $125 on headphones. It all happened so fast, one moment I’m sitting pretty, feeling great about my spending then the next thing I know I’m BMF, blowin money fast. I will admit 50 Cent really G-G-G-G-Got me good.
My thought process:
“Oh. My. God. That is a great deal.”
“Well even so, headphones really shouldn’t cost $125.”
“But they have a Shatterproof UFP adjustable head band.”
“Still they are $125, that’s quite the investment.”
“But they have soft memory phone cushion.”
Click one button and headphones are purchased.
“Oh no. What have I done.”
I don’t like shopping because I don’t like spending money and I don’t like being around a lot of people at once. If you’re around 50 people instead of being around 1 person, the odds of you running into a piece of scum increases by about 5,000%. And you know what they say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but Black Friday Shopping will never be a good idea.”