Things I Type Into My Phone.

People ask me a lot about my joke writing process and how that sort of thing works for me.  Most of my jokes I think of during the day and then I will type them into my phone.  Then later I will actually sit down and formulate it with a set up and punch line joke.
I tend to get pretty backed up with things I type into my phone.  For this month’s deal I’ve decided to use some of the things that I’ve found on my phone.  So I will first show you what I typed on the phone and then I will elaborate on that beneath it and it will be magical.

Tuesday 1:29 PM, November 20th, 2012: “Not stopping a robbery at Wal-Mart.”
I was done shopping at Wal-Mart and I was exiting the store with my shopping cart.  Two men were running very fast towards me.  A thief was being chased by a police officer.  The thief was running right at my cart and it hurts me to say this but I stepped backwards to get out of his way.  I might as well had tipped my cap to him and said, “Well, good day sir” in a British accent.
I feel like every man dreams of taking out the bad guy and being the town hero.  But here I was being handed the opportunity to be Superman on a platter.  And what do I do?  I just kick the waitress in the shins and say, “No thank you.”
I would have been on the News all over Illinois, “Courageous Algonquin Teen Takes Down Thief with Bare Hands.”
So I will regret that forever.

Saturday 3:34 PM, December 22nd, 2012: “Hospitals have the most patients.”
I was waiting in line the other day and I was losing my patience.  Hospitals have the most patients.
And if you can’t tell already, you are a better person for having read that.  The whole patience/patients homonym is actually very clever.

Wednesday 5:43 PM, November 28th, 2012:  “Someone told me, ‘AJ, you should smile more.”
I hate people who say, “Did ya know that it takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile.”  Well ya know what takes fewer muscles than both frowning and smiling?  NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH YOUR STUPID FACE.
Then someone tells me, “AJ, just smile more.  Like smile all the time even if there’s no reason to.”  People who smile all the time creep me out.  They look like they are up to no good.  And you know who smiles for no reason?  Serial killers.

Tuesday, 11:37 AM, August 28th, 1995: “Mama. (and then throw up on bib)”
I was a small baby when I typed this in my phone and to be completely honest I don’t remember where I was going with this.  I imagine it was some sort of slapstick comedy where the throwing up on my bib was the punchline.

Friday, 4:56 AM, September 19th, 1963:  “Moooooo.  Moooooo.”
I don’t understand how this got onto my phone, considering I wasn’t born until 1993.  The only thing that I can come up with is maybe I was once a cow and then I was reincarnated as a human.

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